Results of Queen, David Bowie, and Vanilla Ice
by skidlebop
Summary: Its mostly about Gendo with randomness, and if you read the story, the title WILL make sense. I warn you though, this story will most likely suck, infact i got 1 review that said 'It sucks so much it hurts' plus its script mode so ya!
1. Damn you Vanilla Ice!!

Ok this is my second Eva fic. It's probably crap. I dunno, read, flame for all I care, cuz I'll just keep on for about another 2 more chapters then stop. But it's only under 'Humour' because there's no section called 'Pure Crap' so you've been warned that this fic will stink.  
  
Legal crap: I don't own anything, I don't own NGE, David Bowie, Queen, or Vanilla Ice. I don't own anything that I write in this fic, there.  
  
Big-Ass warning: My last fic I got majorly flamed because the fic was script mode.I really should change it to normal format, but you know, I don't care, cuz you guys can just stop reading right now, so don't start bitching to me that its script mode-alright?!?!  
  
Story Starts now!!!!!  
  
The tiny alarm clock beeped for about 10 seconds until Gendo reached up and turned it off. He sat up and stretched, nothing like a good night's sleep. All he needed to start the day was a good ol' newspaper.  
  
Gendo walked out of the room, still in his pajamas. He looked around, saw the first house, and took the newspaper. He walked back to his office where his sleeping bag was.  
  
A/N: You people do realize that I'm saying that Gendo is one: too cheap to pay for his own newspaper and two: doesn't have a home so he lives in his office. Just to make sure you people all knew that.  
  
At about 7 am he was dressed and ready for his bastard like life. He pushed a little intercom button on his desk.  
  
Gendo (Into Intercom): Yes, yes I would like an Egg McMuffin and a coffee please.  
  
Maya (Other end of Intercom): What? Sir? Jeez, for the last time, this isn't McDonalds! Now what do you want sir?  
  
Gendo (Saddened): Oh. well, send in my daily amount of bastardization.  
  
Maya: Yes sir.  
  
Just then the office door opened up and an old lady walked in, holding a pie.  
  
Old Lady: Son, I brought you a nice warm pie.  
  
Gendo (Walking up to her): Oh thank you mom.(Grabs the pie, then sprints back to his desk, then pushing a large, red button, thus making a large anvil falling on Gendo's mother) yep.well I feel good for the day. And there's pie!  
  
Gendo wolfs down the pie (pumpkin pie) and smiles. Just then, there was a knock on the door.  
  
Gendo (whipping crumbs off mouth): Enter.  
  
Shinji enters, looking really nervous.  
  
Shinji: Well, um I-and so I-  
  
Gendo: What?  
  
Shinji (Taking breath): its Father's Day ya know.  
  
Gendo (Thinking to himself): And what the hell does this have to do with me.  
  
Inner Gendo (Mentally slapping Gendo): He's your son you dolt! Meaning you is his father!  
  
Gendo (Thinking): Oh.I knew hitting up Yui was a bad idea... (Outloud) And?  
  
Shinji (Surprised That his father actually cares): Well, um.I made you this card.it's a macaroni card.^_^*  
  
Gendo (Jumps up): Wow! First pie, now macaroni! (Savagely eats macaroni and card)  
  
Shinji:.O_o  
  
Gendo (Walking back to his desk steps on a bug. You hear the very loud crunch throughout the entire building. Gendo looks down, shock covered his face) Mr. Rolly Polly, NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! (Bends down and cries over smooshed bug)  
  
Shinji: ¬_¬ (Quietly walks out of office)  
  
Gendo (Still crying): I'm so sorry Mr. Rolly Polly! I'm sorry! .Wait-I just apologized to a dead bug.how sad is that.I'm gonna change my life! (Walks out of office)  
  
~~ Command Center ~~  
  
Ritsuko (Handing Misato some coffee): Morning.  
  
Misato: Ugh.morning.  
  
Shigeru (Playing his guitar): Man, I love this song. (Plays the tune of 'Under Pressure' which is the same as Ice Ice baby.its sickening really.)  
  
Makoto: Isn't that Vanilla Ice?  
  
Shigeru: No! No! I will not except that! (Rocks back and forth) its not Vanilla.it's Queen damn you!  
  
Misato: .you're right.it is Queen. (Glares at Makoto)  
  
Makoto: No-it has to be Vanilla Ice!  
  
Shigeru: No. It. Is... David Bowie and Queen. (Plays 'Under Pressure' again)  
  
Makoto: No. That's Vanilla Ice.  
  
Shigeru: No, see, this is Vanilla Ice (Play same tune but with one extra 'ding ding da' to the tune) .see?  
  
Makoto: Let me hear that again.  
  
Shigeru: See, this is David Bowie. (Plays 'Under Pressure') and this-this is Vanilla Ice. (Plays tune, but as he hit the first high note, the string breaks, the guitar some how flies out of his hands and flies backwards through the control tower) Whoa!  
  
Just then Gendo steps out. (a/n: you all see this coming right?)  
  
Gendo: Ok everyone I just lost a deep personal friend. It-it made me realize that I've been a bastard to everyone and all of you--I just want to apol-(Gets hit in the head with the neck of the guitar in its downward decent.) Gah! (Falls to the ground.)  
  
Fuyutski: (Glances left and right, while the crew in the tower look at him in horror as Fuyutski bends down for Gendo's back pocket.)  
  
Random Tech Crew: (in slow motion) NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Fuyutski: (Pulls out a wallet and waves it infront of his face)  
  
All: Phew.  
  
Fuyutski: (Looks around real fast, pulls out Yui's picture, and scuttles into a room labeled 'Sub-Commander Rest Room' and promptly shuts and locks the door.)  
  
All:.........(Involuntary shudder)  
  
Makoto: Well, you can't really blame him, he is 55 years old and was never married.  
  
All: (Agreeing Murmur)  
  
Kaji: Yea, and that mail-away-bride thing never worked. And now we're stuck with Asuka.  
  
Asuka: Hey!  
  
Misato: Yea, well it's true.  
  
Asuka: Hmm.ok (continues her 'beer wench' services along with the German/Austrian clothing and walks to the other end of the tower where the old perverted men are) shit.. My ass is doomed..  
  
Gendo: (Still passed out)  
  
Misato: Well, I guess I'll check what else is in his wallet.  
  
Misato walks up to Gendo, and checks his wallet, and smiles.  
  
Misato (Big Grin): Jack pot!  
  
Ritsuko (Nervously): Umm...what did you find?  
  
Misato: Ladies and gentlemen, I have found Gendo's baby pictures!  
  
The whole crew runs up too look at the long list of Gendo baby pictures, there was the classic butt picture, those ones where you're dressed up as a sailor, etc.  
  
All: Wahahahaha!  
  
Fuyutski comes back into the control tower all sweating and putting the Yui picture in his pocket.  
  
Fuyutski: What are you all looking at.oh.  
  
Fuyutski looks at the picture to see a baby's body, but the same Gendo face, where a cute and adorable baby face should be.  
  
Fuyutski: GAH!  
  
Ok so there's the first chapter, it will be updated soon, at least the next chapter will be.review or not, there WILL be a next chapter. ~~Skidlebop 


	2. Crap, crap, and more crap!

Continued from.  
  
Fuyutski: What are you all looking at.oh.  
  
Fuyutski looks at the picture to see a baby's body, but the same Gendo face, where a cute and adorable baby face should be.  
  
Fuyutski: GAH!  
  
~~ A Kool-Aid and an Ice tea later AKA 19 hours later ~~  
  
Gendo (opening his eyes): Ugh.my head.(Looks around and hears people talking as if they were all on break) Ow!  
  
Maya (Looking down): Damnit! I tripped over him again.crap, he's awake.  
  
Kaji: (looks up at the commander) crap.. Back to work everyone! (he then puts on his pants and walks away)  
  
Gendo: my head hurts, I'm going to lie down and watch the dukes of hazard...  
  
Rei (out of no where): they canceled that show. Apparently it was linked with stupidity. We now use it for tactical warfare.  
  
Gendo: which Rei are you?  
  
Rei: (looks at the palm of her hand and reads) 54 out of tank C.  
  
Gendo: So you don't have a soul, only #2, right?  
  
Rei: Yes.  
  
Gendo: (Bitch slaps Rei number 54).. Ahh that felt good.. Fuyutski, you know the drill.(Gendo painfully walks to the little elevator thingy that goes anywhere like Willy Wanka's )  
  
Rei54: (looks worried as out of no where Kouzou flies out of the shadows. carrying a brown wig and a lab coat in his hand and whisks Rei54 away to the playboy mansion hidden under Gendo's desk.) NOOOO!!! GOD NOOOOooo!  
  
~~ Later at that place thingy ~~  
  
Gendo: (reading a Robert Browning book) 'The year's at the spring, And day's at the morn; Morning's at seven; The hill-side's dew-pearl'd; The lark's on the wing; The snail's on the thorn;.' Well that explains our slogan. This just proves Kozo has been stealing everything! My past Girl friends in college, my books, my pants, MY sunlight, Even my breath mints.(now talking in a schizophrenic / Gary Coleman voice) but when I got my wife, Yui, he had to try to take her, she was never hot enough for him to do.but I loved her.but when I got her for my own, HE joined my company, I thought if I changed the name from Gehrin to Nerv he would get lost and think that Starbucks 2 blocks down was where he was suppose to be. But he followed Nanako, WHY! OH WHY!? Rei didn't cause her to kill herself fast enough.so Kozo decided that if he couldn't have her no one could and had me make that purple piece of crap but he screwed me! Just like my hamster during Y2K.Drank all of my mountain dew.But the joke is on him, I'll have her back. And then have all my mountain dew; (now shaking his fist at the ceiling) TAKE THAT MR. NIBLES!! DRINK ALL MY MOUTAIN DEW IN Y2K WILL YA!?!?.I hurt inside now.I need some peanuts and I think I'll go kick some puppies while I'm at it.........Did you just touch my butt?  
  
Maya: (on the other side of the library in shock that the commander has now finally flipped due to a head concussion) wha--?  
  
~~ In some horrible dimension ~~  
  
"So you're telling me that Asuka is..?" "Wark?" "Don't play dumb with me damn you penguin!" "Wark! Wark!" Shinji then throws the tied up penguin across the room that is lit with only one light bulb, a table, and two chairs. "Is she a mail order bride or not?! You fucking penguin!?" ".." The penguin has downcast eyes and reluctantly talks, "...Wark." "Now we are getting somewhere." Shinji smiled as he walked to the back of the room  
  
Rei on the other hand was displeased as to she didn't get to be the bad cop.  
  
~~ Da next day wit da Gendo.yo ~~  
  
Gendo: mmmm my hands smell mighty fine today!  
  
Maya: ^ so if I dance at the 'hurray ole' then maybe I can get enough money to buy that Cadillac I'm wanting.. Hmmm that bastard Gendo doesn't pay me enough but I stay cuz that doctor is one hot mama! ^  
  
Gendo: The hell?  
  
Maya: What?  
  
Gendo: (Shrug)  
  
Fuyutski: ^Man, I'm craving a slurpy, one of those cheeseburger hotdogs and some of that Gendo.^  
  
Gendo: (Thinking) Hmmm.I love those hotdogs.(Outloud) SAY WHAT?! (Runs away screaming and flailing his arms)  
  
All NERV Personnel(look at the command post at Kozo):.....  
  
Fuyutski: hmm?(shrugs)  
  
A/N: You know at 7-11 they used to/ maybe still do have those hotdogs that were also cheeseburgers.damn those were good.*drools*  
  
Ritsuko (Shaking her head): I told you that the Astatine in his coffee would affect him one day.  
  
All: (Sigh)  
  
(Shinji, Asuka, and Rei walk in)  
  
Shinji (Pointing back): What's wrong with my father?  
  
Misato (Walking up to him): Let's just say that, drugs are bad, and leave it there.  
  
Maya: Well, shouldn't someone check on him?  
  
Makoto: I vote for Rei!  
  
Everyone raises his or her hand for that vote.  
  
(My computer just did a grammar check and said that instead of 'their' it should say 'his or her'.damn sexist women. I'm a girl too, I just feel that women who are like 'I wanna become first women president' they try too hard to prove that they are just as good/ better than guys, thus screwing everything up.damn I need to shut up.)  
  
Rei: Damnit. (Walks toward the direction Gendo ran off)  
  
Shigeru: That was easy.ya know I don't feel the slightest bit guilty for my guitar hitting him and knocking him out.  
  
Shinji: Ya know, I don't think that the chemicals in his drinks are the cause of his sudden insanity-I mean, there would have been an affect within the first hour, this is something else.  
  
Misato: What you mean?  
  
Shinji (Sigh): What happened to my Father yesterday?  
  
Makoto (Excited that he knows the answer): He was hit in the head with a guitar and passed out!  
  
All: Oh.  
  
Shinji: so are you getting what I'm saying?  
  
Ritsuko: So because of the head bash, he's gone insane?  
  
Shinji: Good for you (Gives her a treat)  
  
Ritsuko: YAY! I did good! \o/  
  
Shinji: (sighs and looks down very very sadly) I think I'll go and hide in a corner and wait for someone to step on me..(walks away realizing that all of Nerv was either: a crack baby, hit in the chest with a piece of metal and can't have kids so her biological clock is driving her to insanity, or was droped on the head numorus times)  
  
~~ Gendo in the Cafeteria that you never knew was there ~~  
  
Gendo (Hiding underneath a table): He didn't say that.he didn't say that.it's all in my head.  
  
Rei walks in, sees the commander and sighs.  
  
Rei (Sitting next to Gendo): What's wrong?  
  
Gendo: I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it.  
  
Rei (Annoyed...or what you can call annoyed): Heard what, Ikari?  
  
Gendo: I heard Kozo, I heard him, he said it, he said it. (Starts weeping)  
  
Rei (Getting curious): What did he say?  
  
Gendo: He said, and I quote, 'Man, I'm craving a slurpy, one of those cheeseburger hotdogs and some of that Gendo.' (Starts crying some more)  
  
Rei (shocked): ^Oh my dear lord in heaven.^ he couldn't have said that.could he.you must be hearing things, Fuyutski would never say that, right infront of you at least, right?  
  
Gendo (Sniffling and acting like a little kid): Right.  
  
~~ Control tower ~~  
  
Makoto (Reading a comic book): All my life I've collected comic books. I've got every comic you could think of. Even.  
  
Shigeru: No! Don't say it!  
  
Makoto: American comics.  
  
Asuka faints, while Ritsuko looks sick, and Maya starts doing a religious chant.  
  
If saying that he had American comics wasn't enough, he grabbed one and waved it infront of everyone.  
  
Maya (Putting up her hand): Step back, Satan!  
  
Gendo and Rei walk in to find all this.  
  
Gendo: and I thought I was crazy.  
  
Misato: ^'The Misato song' plays. (Ya know when Shinji and Pen-Pen eat breakfast it plays that weird song-that song)^  
  
Gendo glances around as if trying to listen to something, but cuts short when he hears Kaji talking.  
  
Kaji: ^Should I get the surgery, or not? Hmmm.^  
  
Gendo (O.o): Don't tell me that none of you heard that?  
  
Ritsuko: .O What the hell are you talking about? ^Just say 'can I run some tests on you commander' and he'll be all mine.^ Yes, maybe I should run some tests on you commander, to see if you are feeling well.  
  
Gendo (Pointing to her): No! I know your evil plan! (Crawls in a fetal position)  
  
~~ Somewhere else with some other time, cuz I'm tired of writing bout Gendo, though I luv him ~~  
  
Ritsuko: You know I don't do this kind of stuff.  
  
Kaji: But you're a doctor! Doctors do surgeries! Please.  
  
Ritsuko: Maybe, but not that surgery!  
  
Kaji: Dangit! Now my life has no meaning! (Cries)  
  
Ritsuko: Well, ok.  
  
Kaji: Thanky thanky! ^_^ (Strips down for surgery)  
  
Misato walks in at this time and sees Kaji and Ritsuko.  
  
Misato (Steam coming out of ears): What the hell is going on?!  
  
Kaji: I can explain!  
  
Before Kaji can explain, you see Misato twitching and her eyes rolling backwards, and then glares at Kaji all demon-like.  
  
Misato (Pulling out gun): Explain my ass! (Shoots at Kaji)  
  
Ritsuko: .  
  
~~ Later at Misato's Apartment ~~  
  
Misato: Oh looks like I gots a message! (Clicks button on message machine)  
  
Kaji (On message machine): Hello, I know your there, but just don't wanna pick up, I just wanna say that-well this is kinda hard, but umm.A man's life can be either good or bad, but a women's. Well that's different, so I decided that the life I live now is gonna end, it was nice being your boyfriend Misato. Bye.  
  
Misato (Weeping): God! No! Why! (Phone rings, she answers it) Hello?  
  
Maya (On other end): Yea! Misato! I just got news-  
  
Misato (Sniffling): Yea, I know, Kaji got the surgery.  
  
Maya: No! He's dead!  
  
Misato: What?! Who killed him?! (Gets flash back of her demon killing Kaji) Oh. (Blankly hangs up the phone)  
  
Shinji (Coming into room): What happened? I heard yelling?  
  
Misato: Nothing.  
  
Shinji: Are you sure?  
  
Misato: Yes.  
  
~~ NERV Hospital Later ~~  
  
Gendo (Waking up staring at the ceiling): This ceiling looks familiar.so familiar.oh yea, this is where Rei #2 and me used to do it. But why am I here.In this hospital bed?  
  
Shinji (Sitting in a chair in the room): Jeez, you talk to yourself a lot. And I really didn't need to know that. I mean-who do you think I think about when I'm in the shower?!  
  
Gendo (Looking over to Shinji): What are you doing here?  
  
Shinji: (gets up real casually) I care for you, though you may be mean, I still care for my father ^Just suck up to him and that Rei collection will be all mine! ^ Oh yea, there's an angel coming, so get your butt outta bed and command!  
  
Gendo: I just woke up, and what do you mean-with my Rei collection?!  
  
Shinji (Glancing back and forth):^crap gotta think of somethin' gotta think of something.Rei's plug suit.mmmm wait! Regroup! REGROUP!^  
  
Gendo:.  
  
Shinji: .  
  
Gendo:.have you been going through Ritsuko's secret collection again?  
  
Shinji (Nervous): Um.I think that they gave you too much medicine.and besides! You make me do shit whenever I just wake up in a hospital bed!  
  
Gendo: Fine. (Gets outta bed, but is naked, and walks to the other end of the room to fetch his clothes.)  
  
A/N: You see, my guess is that they actually have you naked in hospitals because the nurses just don't get what they use to at home.  
  
Shinji: Oh my god! (Convulses) Get some friggin clothes on! (Covers eyes) ^Must think Girl based thoughts! Must think about Rei! Crap that didn't help! Now its just her head on his body!^ DDDDDAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNN!!!!  
  
~~ Down at the Catwalk ~~  
  
Everyone is in their plugsuits, yes even Shigeru. (A/N: Nah I'm just messing wit you people!)  
  
The Eva pilots got in their entry plugs thingies that everyone-and I mean everyone at NERV forgets the name almost everyday.  
  
Then suddenly! *insert Batman theme here*  
  
Shinji: (singing with Shigeru playing on the guitar over the intercom) Pressure!underpressure, comin' down on me!..mmpapabet! (alarms sound and the face of his dead mother comes up on the screens of all the complex) MOM!?..ummm that thought I just had about that girl.well.ummm..crap.  
  
Yui: Gendo!  
  
Gendo: (in the fetal postion crying out due to the things people are 'saying') GAH! (jumps up about a meter) y-yes..?  
  
^and old 80's tune is playing like a radio in the command post^  
  
Yui: I'm tired of your crap! When do I get a day? I just need one day to relax and take in the view! ^look at that cute ass of yours^ I mean when?! Its always synchrantion test this-or angels attack that! When do I get a day off?! And what the hell was that about with making the kids go into the entry plug naked?!  
  
Makoto and Shigeru: Heeheehee. ^we have the tapes! Ya!...i wonder what we are getting on ebay for those things?^ (suddenly the two are looking up things on ebay)  
  
Fuyutski: Come on Yui. Think about it, you saw how all the UN couldn't do shit against the First angel, and as the rule of anime serise combat: always send the weakest in first, so if they couldn't do it then how in the hell could they do it now, we need you.^I hope she bought that shit...damn I wish I was shinji..then I could be inside that woman's--^  
  
Gendo: NO! she's MY bitch!GAHHHHHH!!!!! MAKE IT STOP! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM!?!? DIE KOZO! (punches Fuyiski in the face and bunches into a ball in his chair rocking back and forth)  
  
All the Tech crew except Shigeru: (stare at him oddly, doubting his sanity)  
  
Shigeru: (looks around uneasily) .I'm gonna go hit the bathroom.(Looks around and sprints for the door) ^You'll never catch me! ^  
  
^suddenly the music begins to fade away ^  
  
Shinji: ^man..I wish I had something to do in this thing..I know! I can have Ritsuko keep me company I'll just say "my plug suit is malfunctioning again, can you calibrate it?" yeah that will work..hehehe ^ Hey Ritsuko, can yo-  
  
Gendo: (interrupts Shinji) Oh come on that's just stupid Shinji! I should have killed you when I had the chance!  
  
Shinji: (looks around and starts crying)  
  
Gendo: .hehehehehehe.. hahahahahaha. MUHAHAHA!!!  
  
Everyone looks at Gendo who is now standing up in his chair laughing, even 01 has turned her head in wonder.  
  
Gendo: What to do?! I know! (Presses button labeled 'Knock Shinji out' which is standing at the end of the other buttons labeled 'Kill Shinji' 'Anvil' 'Destroy world' and 'Nachos' buttons.  
  
Shinji: Wow! I can't believe my mother mar-ggglllllrrrrrrr.. (Out cold)  
  
Asuka: .hmmm.so Rei, I heard you went to a concert the other day.who'd you see?  
  
Rei: Metallica  
  
Asuka: I see.  
  
Ritsuko: ^damn..I wish Maya could take my place..mmm that Maya, love to get a piece of that.(Gendo is now looking on in horror)..maybe I should of told Gendo I have herpes (Gendo is now checking his pants)..oh well.he'll find out soon enough hehehe.^ sir. I think we should retire 01 for today, besides I need to talk to you in your office.(looks around seductively).alone.  
  
Gendo: (is now running for the cafeteria, leaving Misato to run the show) GAHH!! EVIL IS ABOUT!  
  
~~ In the Cafeteria ~~  
  
We see Kaji sitting alone.once again. how the hell he is alive beats me.I'm guessing it had something to do with those watermelons of his.no one to have sex with.seeing that its his sole purpose is to have sex with women.Gendo then came running in.  
  
Gendo: The madness!..the madness..  
  
Kaji (Ignoring Gendo): ^--Now that Ritsuko wont do the surgery on me, and I'm not getting anything from Misato.I guess I'll kill myself.either that, or I can take up on Asuka's offer.but isn't that pedophilism.wait-this is Japan! I can have sex with a seven year old and no one would give a damn! ^ YES! IT ALL WORKS OUT PERFECTLY!  
  
All in the cafeteria: ^the hell? ^  
  
Some tech: ^wow, I never knew that blackmail was so much fun! ^  
  
Soda machine: ^dear God! Let me out! I'm a mute stuck in a soda machine! Why oh why!? ^  
  
Gendo is now bug eyed staring at everyone oddly  
  
{~ And now a pointless sex scene ~}  
  
~~ Deep in the dark bowels of NERV next to a very interesting porn collection ~~  
  
"Oh yea.Gendo, that's what I want.right there.o-o-o-yes! Mmmmmm. oh god yes!"  
  
"Do you really think that I should be doing this?" Gendo asked as he rubbed his wife  
  
"Oh dear God yes! Oh Gendo I Love you so much! ahh that's so good!"  
  
"I so love being with you"  
  
"Are you sure we can O! Yes! Um do this in mmmm public?"  
  
"I don't mind any chance I get to be with you is pleasurable Yui"  
  
"You have no idea what you do to me Gendo"  
  
Just then Shinji walked in "--I need to talk to Mom. I need some help with a girl and- OH MY GOD!"  
  
"Oh, uh Hi Shinji" Yui sheepishly greeted her son.  
  
"Hello Shinji."  
  
"What were you doing dad?"  
  
Just then Gendo turned around with a can of Turtle wax in hand "Just waxing my wife"  
  
Shinji simply just backed away and then sprinted to the only safe place he knew of: The bottom of a 16 wheeler's tire.  
  
Ok, the next chapter will be up either later today or tomorrow! So be happy! Yata! ~~ Skidlebop 


	3. ‘Do not push this button or else all the...

~~ in some place not in Russia ~~  
  
Asuka was watching TV in her shared apartment. While Kaji, not to Asuka's Knowledge, walks in.  
  
Asuka: .............hmmm.......I think I'm gay.  
  
Kaji: NOOOOO!!!! (mentally debates if raping Asuka is a good idea) hmmm.  
  
Asuka: (notices Kaji's presence) hey Kaji, wanna have sex?  
  
Kaji: Noo!!.wait what the hell? I thought you said you where gay?  
  
Asuka: I am. But I thought you where a girl.  
  
Kaji: I'm not a-er.^ this could work out for me.hehehe sex.hehehe^ well I would love to.  
  
~~ at Nerv ~~  
  
Shigeru: #your wondering who I am, machine or mannequin, with parts made in Japan, I'm the modern man! I've got this secret I've been hiding, under my skin, my heart is human, my blood is boiling my brain IBM. So if you see me acting strangely, Don't be surprised-#  
  
Gendo: I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide to keep me alive!  
  
Shigeru: #music still continues# The hell did you know that?!  
  
Gendo: I just heard it playing.  
  
Shigeru: O_O ^ Crap! He can hear my thoughts! That bastard! ^  
  
Gendo: Hey!  
  
Shigeru: Holy crap! (Runs away)  
  
Gendo: Well, I have a meeting with SEELE to get to. (Walks away)  
  
~~ On (Yo)Uranus ~~  
  
Gendo (sitting down): I'm sorry-I got hit in the head with a guitar.it's been a weird week.I'm sorry.  
  
SEELE 3: ^This thong is bunched up in my ass.^  
  
Gendo: O_O  
  
~~ Another Pointless sex scene ~~ (Got your damn attention didn't we?)  
  
Use the sick imagination that you guys have.  
  
~~ Back to Gendo ~~  
  
Gendo: O_O  
  
SEELE 2: What's wrong, Ikari?  
  
SEELE 3: ^Probably wearing the same thong as me ^  
  
Gendo (Clutches the desk): Our father who art in heaven, Holy be thy name.  
  
SEELE 6: Ikari, your hands aren't over your mouth.this disturbs us ^ Now we have to see all his face. Damnit! ^  
  
Gendo: I think I'm gonna leave now.  
  
SEELE 1: Yea.we never do anything actually important in these meetings. ^Maybe next time we can get Ritsuko to come here naked ;) ^  
  
Gendo (Slowly backing away) ummm gotta go! (he runs but crashes right into the pillar/monolith of Seele 9)  
  
SEELE 9: Hey! Watch where you're going! ^Hmm hmm god save the queen.. Hmmm hmm hmm^  
  
~~ On the outside of a mentos wrapper ~~  
  
In the command center we see Misato and Makoto having a romping good time.  
  
Misato: Ow! That move hurt my back!  
  
Makoto: Let me just move my leg over a bit.ok  
  
Misato: Ah! That hurts even more!  
  
Makoto: Sorry. Maya, what do we do now.  
  
Maya (Closes her book labeled 'Karma Sutra'): Oh um.it says.(looks over at the two)...right leg, yellow.  
  
Makoto: Shit! (Falls over)  
  
Misato: AH! (crash!)  
  
Shigeru comes running in.  
  
Shigeru: You guys I have some thing to tel-! (Sees the pile that is Makoto and Misato and Maya's book.) Oh Holy Lord in heaven!  
  
Misato (Moaning): What?  
  
Shigeru: Oh my god! (Goes running down the halls once again) SIN! ALL SIN!  
  
Gendo (Walking up to the group): Ok you guys.I think I can read minds.  
  
All:. ^must...contain...Laughter.^  
  
Misato: ^Misato's theme is playing^  
  
Gendo:.  
  
All: ..  
  
Gendo: ..  
  
All: .....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Gendo: What?!  
  
Misato (Sobering up): Ok, if you can read minds, what are we all thinking about?  
  
All but Gendo: (agreeing murmur)  
  
Gendo: (Listens for a few seconds): Rope, a Puppy, and what a pigeon and a Rat hybrid would look like.  
  
Misato: wow. so far all I have come up with is Cher..  
  
Makoto: That's cool! I love my little doggy!  
  
Maya: (blush).....  
  
Gendo: ... Sick bitch.  
  
~~ Through that tour of hell ~~  
  
Ritsuko: And to your left is the Rei clone tank.  
  
Misato (Taking pictures): Wow! Cool!  
  
Shinji: Way cool! (Climbs into the tank) Yes! SCORED!  
  
Ritsuko (Not paying attention): And because Gendo loves them more than me, I will kill them.  
  
Misato: That's just mean Ritsu! I mean, think of the money you could make whoring them out!  
  
Ritsuko:...where do you think our budget comes from?  
  
Shinji (Swimming with the Reis): YAY! \o/ I'm so happy! Asuka doesn't give me shit, and Father hates the crap outta me, but now he's gone insane and I'm here in this tank full of girls! Yes! Life IS beautiful!  
  
Ritsuko pushes the 'kill all Rei clones' buttons, not noticing Shinji in there.  
  
Shinji: Yea! Who's up for a sexy party! This is the grea- gggggllllurrrrrbbbb. *Dies*  
  
(I just put in a line from my other Eva fic about 'sexy parties' :P)  
  
Ritsuko: Now, who wants to see the NERV collection of The Beatles records?  
  
Misato: Ooh me! I DO!  
  
Ritsuko: Shinji? How 'bout you? .crap, that ain't good.  
  
~~ at a corner drug store! ~~  
  
Gendo (Looking at tiny bottle): So this will make me go back to normal?  
  
Guy: Yea, works all the time.  
  
Gendo (Happy): Well ok! Bye!  
  
Guy: Dude! Ya gotta pay me!  
  
Gendo: Fuck off.  
  
Guy: ...(wails)  
  
Gendo: Thought so. (Walks off)  
  
~~ NERV ~~ (Sorry, ran out of catchy names for the scene)  
  
Fuyutski: What happened to Shinji?!  
  
Ritsuko (Nervous, like Rocko): Well, hehe, it's a funny story ya see. me, Misato, and Shinji all went to look at the Rei tanks-  
  
Shigeru: You saw the Rei tanks without me?! You bitch!  
  
Ritsuko: And proud of it! Anywho, I um.accidentally push the 'Do not push this button or else all the Rei's will die and you'll get yo' f*cking ass beat' button, and Shinji-I swear to God I didn't know, was in the tank.so he, and the Rei's died.  
  
Fuyutski: So let me get this straight-you didn't care at all that the Rei's died but your all like 'I didn't know Shinji was in there' meaning that you we're planning on killing the Rei's?! Damnit Ritsuko! I had dibs on the Rei tank!  
  
Ritsuko: Does it even friggin matter?! Gendo is gonna shoot me later in the movie!  
  
All: Wha?  
  
Ritsuko: I've said too much. (Pulls out gun, grabs Maya and runs off with her)  
  
All: The hell. (Then everyone goes back to what they were doing: Porn reading, the game 'Risk', and watching a marathon of Monty Python.)  
  
Ok, so that's it for this chapter. Yea. ~~ Skidlebop 


	4. WHA-WHA-WHAT!!?

Ritsuko: I've said too much. (Pulls out gun, grabs Maya and runs off with her)  
  
All: The hell. (Then everyone goes back to what they were doing: Porn reading, the game 'Risk', and watching a marathon of Monty Python.)  
  
~~ That one place ~~  
  
GOD: Angel #7! Go!  
  
Angel #7: Aww! Come one! This is actually pretty funny shit goin on down there!  
  
GOD: Now!  
  
Angel #7: Fine. (Jumps off cloud and descends to Tokyo-3)  
  
~~ Command Center ~~  
  
Siren *Angel alert!*  
  
Misato: Damnit! And it seemed like a nice, calm week.(To everyone) Ok, we gotta deal with this crap-damnit! I forgot, (Points to Ritsuko and glares) YOU killed Shinji!  
  
Ritsuko (Sitting down with Maya not too far behind): Eh, so what?  
  
Misato: Well, send Asuka and Rei out there.  
  
Unit 02 and 00 launch up and are looking right at the angel.  
  
Rei: Let me go first.  
  
Asuka: No way in hell! (Runs off and slices angel in half) Ha! There ya go!  
  
(Becomes two angels.)  
  
Asuka: WTF?!  
  
Rei: Ha! In yo' face bitch!  
  
Angels whap both the Evas' asses off. Cut to slide show.  
  
Fuyutski: Damnit! I told you we should have gotten adults to work with the Units!  
  
Shigeru: Yea, but would they look as good in the plug suits?  
  
Fuyutski: Oh yea. (Pictures Rei *Drools*)  
  
Ok, Rei and Asuka do all that practice stuff like Shinji and Asuka would have, but he's dead now (hehehe) and now its D-Day! w00t! I LOVE PLOT HOLES! They work like freeways in fanfictions  
  
Misato: You guys ready?  
  
Asuka: Yep.  
  
Rei: Yes.  
  
Misato: Ok.  
  
*LAUNCH!*  
  
Then the three enjoyed a kick-ass game of Halo on the X-Box.  
  
Back to the real story.  
  
Timer: 1:00  
  
Music starts!  
  
Flips in the air!  
  
They both grab their guns!  
  
Asuka Runs and shoots!  
  
Rei runs and shoots, and trips over a car.  
  
Rei: Damnit!  
  
Asuka: Well I guess its up to me.  
  
Asuka runs up the two angels and does a back-flip kick right into the angel's crotches, sending both angels flying back up to Heaven and bitching to God about why the hell he decided to give angels genitalia.  
  
Misato: .well that worked.  
  
Asuka: Yea baby! (Does victory dance, but trips over Unit 00 who is still on the ground and falls on Unit 00) Damnit!  
  
All: .  
  
Asuka: Hey! Get off me!  
  
Rei: The hell?! You fell on me you German whore!  
  
Fuyutski: And this is what happens when you trust those 'Mail-away-bride' assholes.damnit.  
  
Gendo walks in.  
  
Gendo: All I need to do is drink this and I'll as good as new. (Is about to drink potion) But I never got a chance to hear what Rei thought about. I guess I'll just wait a day or two. (Puts potion away)  
  
A/N: You know what that means? That means that this crappy fic ain't over with yet! Co-A/N: Whoo!  
  
Gendo (Looking at the screen, sees that angel is defeated): Good, Fuyutski, you handle the rest of this.  
  
Fuyutski: But everything's over!  
  
Gendo: .Ok then. Just do the rest of the crap that I do.  
  
Fuyutski: ^ Yes! Now I can finally sit in his chair! ^  
  
Gendo: Don't sit in my chair.  
  
Fuyutski: ^ Damnit. ^ Yes Sir.  
  
Gendo walks down the corridor leading to the Rei tank, taking off his clothes to reveal him wearing swim trunks. He whistles as he opens the door, pushes a button labeled 'Jacuzzi Rei Tank' and looks up to the tank that should be full of Rei's, only to find.  
  
Gendo: What?! All my Rei's are dead! Oh look, there's Shinji in there too.but my Rei's! NNNNNOOOOOOO!!! (Shakes fist in air) DAMN YOU MR. NIBBLES! WASN'T MY DEW ENOUGH!!??  
  
Shinji (Walking up to Gendo): Father, what are you doing?  
  
Gendo (Looking at Shinji): You! You of all people to survive-you damnit! (Bangs head on Rei tank)  
  
Shinji (Backing away): Well, it was nice talking to you, father.  
  
~~ Command Center ~~  
  
Misato: Ya know, that fight scene was almost mesmerizing.  
  
Makoto: Yea.  
  
Shinji (Walks up): Hey.  
  
Ritsuko: What how the hell are alive?!  
  
Shinji: You know what.I don't know.  
  
Rei and Asuka come up.  
  
Asuka: Yea! I did good!  
  
Misato: Are you guys even allowed here?  
  
Asuka, Rei, and Shinji: No clue.  
  
Misato: Well, anyway, you all are gonna have Sync tests tomorrow, so you don't have to go to school.  
  
Asuka: Yea! This day keeps on getting better!  
  
Shinji: But does it matter? You've already been through college, right?  
  
Asuka (Nervous): Um, yea, but for some reason, I have to go back to junior high.  
  
Rei (Stating): You don't know how to read at all, do you?  
  
All: .  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
Shinji: Well, I guess I'll be going home now.  
  
All: Yea, home. um, yea.me too.  
  
So all three Children walk home together, well Asuka stayed behind about a block cuz she was afraid Shinji and Rei would start using big words on her, but she's not important right now, what's going on with Rei and Shinji is.  
  
Shinji: That was actually pretty cool the way you said that to Asuka.  
  
Rei: Yes.  
  
Shinji (Nervous): Yea.well I thought so.  
  
Rei: Yes.  
  
Shinji: Ya know, Rei, I think I like you.  
  
Rei: You don't realize that I'm just a clone of your mother do you? So if you were to go out with me, It would be the same as going out with your own mother really.  
  
Shinji: Damn. And then people would have an excuse for calling me a 'motherfucker'.damn.  
  
Rei: Yes.  
  
both: Hmm.  
  
both begin to think about the idea  
  
Rei goes to her house, and Shinji and Asuka go to there home. End of that.  
  
~~ in the ether of time and space.AKA: Fro's desk ~~  
  
Fro(stops typing and looks at his work while Skidlebop is drinking an icee): you know skidlebop. We COULD just paste in THAT part from 'Rei's child' here and be done with this.  
  
Skidlebop(stops and thinks about it):.you know what.. We COULD!  
  
~~~ end of chapter 4 ~~~  
  
End notes, by the Co-author/monkey slave/brother of skidlebop: ok that was chapter 4 of this really crappy Fanficton.all I have to say to those kick- ass flamers is: Good for you(no sarcasm) I want to answer their rants. Yes we have seen evangelion. MANY times. Infact, we paid less for it (instead of $145 we paid $108! Ha! For the whole 8 disk set) and before we bought the disks we downloaded the whole series from KAZAA 5 months prior to the release of the box set...we're just REALLY bad writers.  
  
Thanks! About 2 more chapters and Gendo is healed! Yay! 


	5. Insane and Proud of it!

Continued from: Skidlebop(stops and thinks about it):.you know what.. We COULD!  
  
~~ NERV ~~  
  
Gendo: (he is at his desk reading a book labeled: 'so you have a God complex, the book for ego maniacs and the supreme judges of the United States' {A/N: I'm kinda mad about the pledge of allegiance ruling...*loads Shot gun*}) I have yet to find out what Rei has been thinking... I need to know before I go insane!  
  
Kaji: (walks by) ^[in the same tune as the meow mix song] sex, sex, sex, sex. Asuka and I had sex sex sex sex..^  
  
Gendo: (getting annoyed at Kaji's singing, and that Asuka was one of HIS bitches, he puts his book down and puts on the best pleasant face he could manage..this means it was as subtle as Mona Lisa's smile) hey Kaji. meet me in the lower levels later on...  
  
Kaji: ^still singing^ the place with the giant fan and the spooky corridor?  
  
Gendo: (glaring with his eyes)..yes....  
  
Kaji: ok! ^_^ ^wow, that was a tiring conversation..I need to relax..I know!^....where is Asuka, sir?  
  
Gendo: (starts to clench his teeth and hands)......(and then in an awsome show of masuclan yelling Gendo flew out of his chair pointing at Kaji) GAH!!! I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU! (decides that killing him in the spooky corridor will take too much time and throws Fuyutski at him, who has been standing there all day.I'm not going to tell you what he has been thinking.) DIE!  
  
~~~ In Shinji's room ~~~  
  
We find out hero infront of a large planning board with what looks like a family tree, some coffee stains, pictures of Rei, pictures of his mother, and articles/medical journals on marriage within families. Shinji stares at the board and turns away from the board facing a chair  
  
Shinji: so Ritsuko..what do you think?  
  
Ritsuko is tied up in a chair with a sock in her mouth looking terrified. Shinji then walked up to her and took the sock out and listened to what she had to say.  
  
Ritsuko: *Gasp!*..she's only half of your mother..so she's kinda like a cousin or something.  
  
Shinji: (is contemplating what she said and the article that said that sex between 1st cousins was genetically ok.)...hmmm.. thank you doctor. (he then grabbed a bottle of chloroform and a rag)  
  
~~~ in hell ~~~  
  
Gendo was walking down through the 8th ring of hell on his way to the 9th ring for his weekly appointment.  
  
Gendo: so Satan Jr., how are the piano lessons going?  
  
Pepito, son of the devil: ok. seeing as Elton John is down here with us. Here we are. The 9th ring.  
  
Gendo: thanks Pepito.  
  
Gendo walks up to the tea table in the center of the lake of fire {co-A/N: ok, I know it was a lake of ice in the 'Divine Comedy'! Just lay off my case! Arg!!}  
  
Gendo: how's it going?  
  
Satan:.good..so how's my favorite lawyer doing? {Co-A/N: I'm watching the devil's advocate, Al Pacino could do a good Gendo.}..so..(gets nervous).how's the case going with the IRS?  
  
Gendo: well..the IRS has God on their side. right now we are fighting them in..er...court...yeah.  
  
{thought the IRS was from the devil didn't ya!?}  
  
~~ At NERV ~~  
  
Ritsuko (Walks into the Command Center): People, I have something to say.and its through music and dance!  
  
All: Yay!  
  
Ritsuko (Points to Shigeru whom opens up his mouth, thus music comes out. Ritsuko tears off her clothes to be wearing the same costume as Dr. Frank-N- Furter from 'tRHPS', and starts singing to the music): How do you do  
  
I see you've met my faithful handyman- (Ritsuko points to Maya who jumps 3 feet in the air to hear her 'special name' used in public)  
  
She's just a little brought down because  
  
When you knocked  
  
He thought you were the candyman  
  
(Everyone in the Command Center looks at each other then at Ritsuko, and then at Asuka who's carrying candy and beer.)  
  
Ritsuko: Don't get strung out by the way I look  
  
Don't judge a book by its cover  
  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day  
  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover- (music stops)  
  
Ritsuko: Isn't that right.(She does a smile to everyone she's been with, including, Gendo, Misato, Asuka, Maya, Kaji-Shrine) Kaji.you will be missed.(she lowers her head.)  
  
All: (all bow their heads in remembrance of Kaji, the man with a first name that went unused.)  
  
Ritsuko: (continuing). then there was Shigeru, that one guy at the-  
  
All: Shigeru?!?!?!  
  
Shigeru (Nervous laugh): Well what can I say. (Glares at Maya and talks harsher) Maya's a LESBO!!!!!  
  
All: (Agreeing murmur)  
  
Ritsuko: Hey bitch! Keep up with the music! (whips Shigeru)  
  
Shigeru (Remembering the horrible, horrible night where Ritsuko wanted to play 'Rough'): Yes Mistress!  
  
Ritsuko (continues singing):I'm just a sweet transvestite  
  
All (As backup singers): Sweet transvestite!  
  
Ritsuko: From Transsexual, Transylvania Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound  
  
You look like you're both pretty groovy  
  
Or if you want something visual  
  
That's not too abysmal  
  
We could take in an old Steeve Reeves movie  
  
Fuyutski (Comes in totally oblivious to the whole entire singing musical going on below, and comes up to Gendo whose sleeping under his desk/house/fort/Willy Wonka elevator. Fuyutski, soaking wet, with Rei..ain...and talks to Gendo): I'm glad we caught you at home  
  
Could we use your phone?  
  
We're both in a bit of a hurry  
  
(points to Rei #54 from tank C who is chained to Fuyutski)  
  
We'll just say where we are  
  
Then go back to the car  
  
We don't want to be any worry  
  
Fuyutski (Breaks into his own song and dance about having sex with the Rei/Yui thing that's standing next to him with only a skirt and bra for 'UNEXPLAINED' reasons): ^ I like big butts and I can not lie you other brothers can't deny--^  
  
Gendo: Shut up.  
  
Fuyutski: (looks around confused because he wasn't saying anything out- loud).  
  
Ok back to the song, people ^_^  
  
Ritsuko: I could show you my favorite obsession  
  
I've been making a man (Shows a 'Rocky' version of Kaji over in the corner of the room in a tank of LCL)  
  
With blonde hair and a tan  
  
Misato: (interrupting the song while looking at the tank with 'Kaji'): something's..different.like something's bigger?  
  
Makoto: (looking also)..like his feet are bigger.  
  
Misato: and ya know what that means!  
  
Makoto: BIG SHOES!*  
  
Ritsuko(stating the next line)And he's good for relieving my tension!  
  
(everyone is looking around uneasily. And backing away from the tank with Kaji in it)  
  
Ritsuko(singing again): I'm just a sweet transvestite  
  
From Transsexual, Transylvania  
  
Hit it! Hit it!  
  
I'm just a sweet transvestite (end song. I know it's not the end of the song, but I got too lazy to keep and copy and paste the words to the song. :P)  
  
*that joke was from a friend of mine, Josh. Thanks. Use it where you see fit in dinner conversations with your family!  
  
All (Look around slightly uncomfortable): .  
  
Misato: Well, that kinda explains a lot, actually.  
  
All: (Agreeing murmur)  
  
Yay! End chapter!!! 


	6. The Cruelests of Hells

"Holy shit in a can," screamed Gendo, "It's Hanukkah!" he proclaimed.

"Well fuck my ass and show me the money"

"Shut the hell up Misato"

"That ain't what you said last time." She mocked

Glaring the dark skinned man simply stated: "There is a special place in hell for you, you know that?"  
"The one with sodomy by the demons?" Misato asked hopefully with a special glean in her eyes

"The one where you have to watch the Scott Peterson trial non stop" he said sinisterly with not a hint of remorse.

"God is a just and cruel arbiter."


End file.
